Spending Problem

They should invent a shoppers anonymous. Scratch that, I just googled it. It’s a 12-step program. I say this, because as of late, this girl has had a spending problem. Spending money on myself has been my treat. It has been my way to reward myself for eating healthier, rather than an ice cream cone. My ‘learning to be selfish’. My way, over the past year, of choosing to be happy. Purchasing things for myself simply because they make me just that - happy.

Subconsciously I had been putting a time stamp on the “one-year-single” mark. I’m not sure why I put so much emphasis on it, but in the back of my mind I had noted that so long as I could make it to the one-year mark, I would be okay. Now that I have reached it, I feel a sense of inner peace. Some days, I am still scared. Some days, I worry about what the future holds. I get anxiety, I have panic attacks, and think the worse case scenario. But, most days, I am excited. I think about all the possibilities that could happen in my life and I smile. And then some days I get ahead of myself, and want to live carefree and shoot for the stars. What I have learned, however, is that the back and fourth emotion is perfectly normal – healthy even. It shows that I am living.

I am living by taking it easy on myself. Setting small baby-step-goals that are more attainable in shorter amounts of time, in order to set myself up for the bigger long-term goals. I don’t have to have all of the answers, or know exactly what the end result will be, I just have to set out to start. My journey started with trying to treat myself more like I would treat a friend or loved one...and buying things simply because I can.

Like I said SPENDING problem! While part of me feels guilty, the other part of me says ‘life is too short not to do things that make you happy’. At least sometimes. It got me thinking about this past week and the things that have made me happy:

I did an uber-selfish thing, and purchased the car I have always wanted.

 

I co-hosted another Faire De Rue Vintage Market with some amazingly talented ladies!

I appreciated the sunrise on the way to work – and the fact that I had a job to go to.

I played Bingo with a friend – and won!

I was able to brighten a friend’s day by taking a picture of a rainbow that sad morning, and letting them know that their lost loved one was smiling down on them.

I may or may not have purchased 4 pairs of shoes...

(spending problem + shoe problem = need more closet space)

*In all fairness - the gold glitter pumps are for Halloween, and I am re-using a past costume (that's saving, right?)And who wouldn't smile about gold glitter pumps?

I smiled simply because the barista at Starbucks spelt my name right.

While some of these things have monetary value, others are invaluable. I spent money on my jeep and shoes, but I made money at Faire De Rue & Bingo. (Ok, ok, I may have bought some other items this week that I have left out, but you get my point!) As life is a give and take, and money is what makes the world-go-round, I realize sometimes you have to form a healthy balance. I may have spent more than usual this week, but I stopped to realize that spending money on those items is right up there with something as simple as my name being spelled correctly on a paper cup. I smiled simply because I was able to go to school, get a degree, find a job, and afford the things that I do have – I smiled because I am grateful and do not take the ease of my life for granted. I appreciate both the big and the small.

While I was a bit nervous to tell my family about my jeep, worried that they would think it was frivolous and unnecessary, they all reacted in complete support. The day after I told my brother, I had a text message pop up in my phone that instantly brought tears to my eyes.

“Just wanted to let you know I have been thinking about your deal on your jeep and I think it is really cool. I’m so proud of you and the woman you have become!”

After thanking him and explaining I felt a little guilty, but “sometimes life is too short”, his response triggered more joyful tears:

“Nothing to feel guilty about. You are responsible and successful for yourself, and you can buy whatever the hell you want. I think it is cool!”

It all clicked. It is absolutely fine to do nice things for yourself! (So long as you can still pay the bills!) Some weeks you may spend more than others, and that is okay, so long as you don’t lose track of what is most important. I love the feeling I get walking out to my garage, seeing my jeep and knowing I made the choice to purchase it, and did so all on my own. It is a sense of pride knowing that I work for it. It is the same feeling I got while spending time with a friend, and the bonus was winning Bingo. The same feeling spending time with amazing, talented women to host our vintage sale, and the bonus of making money for our hard work and handcrafted items. That same feeling the morning I reached for my latte and saw my name perfectly written. The feeling of driving to work smiling - simply because the sunrise was so beautiful (and I was doing so in a super-cute jeep...). It is the feeling of joy, appreciation, and humbleness for life.

While I agree - money does not buy happiness - it does buy things that make you smile. After all, smiling and appreciating are the keys to happiness. 

Maybe next week I will work on saving money instead :)

One Year

365 days. That is exactly how long it has been since the day that changed my life. I had finished my last day with my previous employer on a Friday and was looking forward to starting a new job on Monday. It wasn’t a particularly eventful Sunday – and looking back it is clear that the events that started the argument that day were not the cause for my failed marriage.

Over a five-year span, I saw him become increasingly more and more angry. The smallest thing would tip him off. Any feeling I ever had – mad, sad, angry, hurt – slowly but surely was trumped by his anger to the point where I started to feel completely numb. I was immune to the terrible names he called me in a fit of rage. I knew my worth well enough to know that they were just names, and he clearly had other demons he was battling. I had become used to the holes he left in the walls, to every broken item, always something belonging to me, that he would intentionally break, determined to hurt me. Apologies always followed after he cooled down, but things were getting worse. Gifts and replacing the broken items did not mend the damage.

The argument spanned over the afternoon and into the night. It ended up getting so bad, that I was going to try and pack a bag to go stay elsewhere for the evening, however, he had locked me out of the master bedroom. As the argument started over laundry, I think I did not realize the severity of the situation, at least in his mind. Clearly something broke – something shifted in him and everything that ever bothered him for the entire duration of our relationship was all he could focus on. When I tried to unlock the door, he grew even more angry.

I will never forget the rage I saw in his eyes. The feel of the saliva hitting my face as he screamed obscenities at me, at the top of his lungs, before shoving me to the ground. I was so startled, it took me many seconds to realize my sweatshirt was pulled over my head and I was being dragged down the hall. Down the hardwood floor we had installed together, in the home we built. While his anger and yelling were always there, he had never laid a hand on me before.

He again ran in the room and locked it. All I could think about was how shocked I was that an argument over laundry had turned into this – and I had a new job to start in the morning. The entire evening he was angry then calm, and then angry, and then calm. I had called my mom after his violent outburst and she said that I should pack a bag and leave for the night. With my mom on the phone, I walked to the room and could hear him through the door, talking with his brother on speakerphone, assuring him that all he did was shove me. “I didn’t hit her”, he kept repeating. With his brother on the line, I calmly asked if I could come into the room to pack a bag. He was suddenly extremely calm again.

So calm, that for some reason I felt ok – something I am still not sure why or how I felt that way. I was not happy, and certainly not ok with what happened, but as it was already extremely late and I was starting a new job the next day, I just wanted to sleep. I told my mom I was just going to go to bed and hung up with her. I turned the lights off and lay down. He was sitting on his side of the bed, still talking to his brother and still calm. All I kept thinking was that after I got through my first day, we would have to discuss this. In that instant, I knew that I would not remain married to this man for long. He finally hung up the phone and we both sat there in the dark silence until I heard keys.

Then the keys were tapping against something. They were unlocking the lock box under our bed that held two handguns and a pellet gun. He grabbed them and ran to the hall bathroom. While some of the next details are a blur, there are two statements that I can still hear in my head. “You have to live with yourself for doing this to me”, and “If you don’t get the f*** out of this house, I’m taking you with me”. If my thought of a failed marriage wasn’t validated before, it certainly was now.

While some of the remaining details are blurry, and others extremely vivid in my mind, they are not near as important to the story. The one thing I will say is that I am so incredibly grateful for the three dear friends that showed up that night, in the middle of the night on a cold Sunday – they know who they are.

I went to my first day after a night of no sleep and after the day was over, I called my Dad. This was probably one of the most difficult conversations I have ever had. I knew that I would never feel safe in my home again. My Dad went over there with me to pack some stuff, and I never spent another night in that house.

Looking back, I can see just how miserable I was. He was not a happy person, and in turn, I had become the same. This was not me – nor who I wanted to be. I had gained about forty pounds in less than a year, I didn’t enjoy anything anymore, and it took this happening to point it all out. I thought I was making sacrifices, that there would be good and bad times, but when does one allow someone to regularly call them the worst names you can imagine and allow an apology rather than an effort to change?

Looking back, I realize I was just existing – existing in an “ideal life” of marriage and “happiness” to outsiders.

As I have stated before, this year has been the most challenging, yet most rewarding year of my life. I have choices, I learn something new about myself every single day, and I remember how to smile. I enjoy moments of self-discovery. I am joyful. I stand up for what I believe, and that includes there being no excuse for domestic violence. I know that forgiveness = recovery. I forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because I do. I deserve to live happy and not carry the sad burden of the things that happened in my life. You can’t always choose what happens to you, but you can choose how you react. I have completely given in to my feelings, allowed myself time to be sad and mourn the death of my marriage, and I have learned to forgive. All this so that I was able to move on.

I am happy. I have lost about thirty of those forty pounds, and I am learning to love “me”. Learning to not be so hard on myself. To embrace my emotions. To stick with people who don’t let me down. I realize that while my marriage may have failed, that does not define me as a failure. I am no longer embarrassed.

365 days may have passed, but it only took one day to change my life. One day that forced me to change my mindset and choose my happy.

Some photos of my favorite memories from this year...

Shamrock run with my sisters.

 Sold my house.

 Met a Bacon-Loving-Southern-Gentleman (I know you don't like pictures, so this still keeps you a mystery) :)

 Made new friends and enjoyed the perks of my job.

Hosted 2 Faire De Rue Vintage markets with these lovely ladies. Third sale is this weekend!

 Ran Hood to Coast for my 3rd time.

 Rocked a fanny pack (more than once!)

 Participated in Urban Iditarod.

Spent time with good people.

Stood by one of my very best friends as
she married the love of her life.

 Went to Vegas with my little sister.

 Spent lots of time with my favorite little ladies (wish my other niece, Kerrigan, was in this photo, too!)

 Designed and had a freedom ring made.
What girl doesn't love champagne?
My daily reminder to choose to be happy and love ME!

From the Mouths' of Babes

A number of weeks back, my niece picked up a phrase that evoked sheer joy on my face and lifted my spirits. The exact feeling of happiness. The first time I heard her say it, I could not stop giggling, which then ensued further giggles at the sound of her laughter. She used it in the perfect scenario. Yet, it is something we as adults so quickly grow up and learn not to say, for from the mouth of an adult, it might “hurt others feelings”. It is blunt, brutal honesty. But that is the beauty of children. They have not been tainted by this world. They know what they like, they know what they want, and they are not ashamed of who they are.

My Mom had mentioned that little Miss had started to say this phrase, so I really could not wait to hear it from her mouth. Joie called me days later, as she wanted to tell me ALLLLL about the plans she had devised for her perfect birthday cake (which I was to construct). It was to be a Cinderella cake, pink in color, with a princess crown on top – very specific. When I reminded her that Cinderella wore blue, and she had glass slippers and not a crown, and suggested making it a true Cinderella cake, there was a long pause on the other side of the line. Then, she said it:

“Stop making all the choices, Auntie Kylee” – Joie Marie, 4 years old

Every ounce of me tried to hold in my laughter, but I just could not help but giggle. Joie giggled with me for a while, but ultimately, she reassured me again that I was not to make all of ‘her’ choices. I appreciated it when it happened, but after some other recent happenings, I now have an even greater appreciation for her phrase.

I have been fortunate enough to have a Bacon Loving-Southern Gentleman-IT Babe be part of my life for a number of months now. He is so decisive, so secure in who he is, and truly a happy person. Oh, and did I mention he’s a babe? He has so many qualities that I greatly admire, and he has continually taught me so many things about myself as well as life. While he is SO decisive, I am the complete opposite. The minute I order salad on a menu, I wish I would have ordered the burger. Getting dressed in the morning is a struggle, as a bad outfit = a bad day. He exercises extreme patience with me, while pushing me just enough (thank you!).

For from the mouth of this babe, these words are often spoke:

“What do YOU want, Kylee?”

For five years, in a not-so-healthy relationship, I placed myself on the back burner. My feelings came second to someone with extreme anger problems. Yet now, someone is stopping to ask me what I want, and it completely catches me off-guard. My honest answer is most often ‘I don’t know’. It’s hard to explain why. The best I have been able to process is that I was so unhappy, for so long, and I hadn’t pinpointed that it was because I positioned my life to a place where I was no longer able to make my own choices. I had forgotten how. I feared that every choice I made would make me UN-happy. I feared making the wrong choice.

While it is scary, nerve wrecking, and often stomach-ache inducing for someone to ask me what I want, it is also exhilarating. It is stirring up my competitive spirit. It feels as if someone is opening every single door and window to opportunity. I have a choice, and it is mine and mine alone.

With both of these scenarios (or verbiage from the mouths' of 2 different babes) having occurred in the past, I then attended a Women’s seminar at work last week. The guest speaker was Sarah Mensah, the COO for the Portland Trailblazers. Sarah is an amazing public speaker, and an admirable woman in an impressive high power job. She had many great messages and advice, but the things that stuck out the most to me were all related to choices:

- Choose to embrace competition.

- Choose to do things simply because you love it.

- Choose to let being humbled/humiliated build your fire and not defeat you.

- Know what you want, and don’t feel guilty about it. Life is about going after what you want.

- Balance is not about being able to complete it all. It’s about making choices that you can live happily with.

- If you hate it, choose NOT to do it, and be OK with that!

Wait, WHAT? This woman was on stage telling me to do everything I have grown to be afraid of. She started with telling us to build a cheering squad for yourself, and a video clip of a cute little girl running track. It is only when she nears the finish line you realize she is competing against all boys – and she wins! She hunches over fatigued, says it was hard, but her cheering father asks her to smile for the camera and suddenly it’s as if every ounce of energy she ran the race with comes back at the thought of her winning. You can see her spirit.

All of these things swirled in my head, and I couldn’t help but smile. You can see Joie’s spirit when her face lights up in having a simple conversation about a birthday cake - I want to be that way. The IT babe cheering me on - simply by making my wants, my choices, a priority. I am all too often concerned with the feelings of others, and what they will think of my choices, that I lose touch with what makes me happy. While Joie may be a bit more demanding in her approach, she is absolutely right – I can still make choices that make me happy - so long as I am not hurting others (another great thing that Southern Gentleman often says, too ‘do right by people’).

So here are my choices:

- Live with passion and desire.

- Do things simply because they bring me joy (the joy you see on your face when you look at photos from your childhood – my Mom has said she sees that look on my face when I am whole-heartedly laughing).

- Don’t be ashamed of what I want and what makes me happy.

While I may not be ‘making all the choices' for Joie, I am going to ‘make all the choices’ for myself, and attempt to be more decisive about it. I am not going to let fear stop me from trying.