Tomorrow marks four years since my Grandmother lost her
battle with lung cancer. Cancer really sucks. No matter what or who, it is such
a raw, anger-inducing circumstance. Immune to no one, something that not
one-single-person deserves. I don’t wish the painful process of watching a
loved one battle it upon anyone, let alone being the individual with the battle
to go up against. You see your loved one fight, endure pain, and watch as they
become optimistic to their often-untimely last breaths of life. How do those
struggling become so positive and accepting?
We all stood by helplessly as she grew more and more sick,
transforming to an almost unrecognizable state. I was balancing work, a 60-mile round trip commute, and daily stops at the hospital, just to be together as a family to
let her know she was not alone. That particular day, I remember saying goodbye
while sitting next to her bed, my hand rubbing her forearm. Tears flowed freely
down my cheeks as I told her that I loved her, and I was so, so sorry she had
to fight this battle. It wasn’t fair. When I said goodbye, something in my gut
knew it would be for the last time. Less than an hour later, I was nearly
pulling into my driveway and my sister called to let me know that Grandma had
taken her last breath.
Even though my gut told me it would be her last day, my
heart wasn’t ready for the news. Why her? Why now? Why so close to Christmas?
You feel relieved that she is no longer suffering, followed by guilty for
realizing you are relieved. What can possibly be learned from something so
ugly?
Four years can change so much. It has taken me that long to
realize what I was supposed to learn. While I’ve known it all along – my entire
life, really – I didn’t truly understand
it until now. It took going through four years of my life making poor choices,
having too many bad days, and not appreciating what I did have, to realize that
we must not take our loved ones for granted. Family and friends are the most
important things we will all leave behind. It is not a single material
possession, but the feeling, that those that love you most, get, when they
think about you, that matters the most.
When I think about my grandma, ‘ol red-headed-Roma the firecracker, I
smile – always. She was so quirky, silly, and outspoken. If she felt something,
she stated it. When she thought something ridiculous, she had a particular way
of stating ‘shiiiiiiiiit’. She loved any excuse to get the family together. She
spoiled at Christmas, treated us to special birthday dinners, was at every
dance and choir performance, softball and volleyball game, winter formal, prom,
and so on, to take photos and cheer you on. She beamed with pride for her
family. She made THE best damn fried chicken around. She taught me to drive (although,
the first time was right onto the freeway, and I chose not adopt the ‘one foot
on the gas, one foot on the brake’ technique). She had the most genuine,
contagious smile, and a giggle that will play in my head for my entire life.
She loved pepsi, dolphins, jewelry, and the color blue. I’m pretty sure she
pulled 60mph in the Buick up our gravel driveway. (Said Buick was obviously
blue – she was so proud!) She loved the Blazers. She told us grandkids
regularly from a young age that if she ever caught us smoking, she would kill
us – and I haven’t ever smoked to this day because of it. She had a silly
little finger poking/twisting dance she would do when a favorite song would come
on, along with singing ‘do, do, do’ to the melody. She could spend an entire day cleaning and ironing. And, probably on of my favorites – I still, to this day,
correct people when they use ‘these ones’. It’s just “THESE”, people. (That one
is for you, Grandma!)
I could write so, so many more things about her, but the
point is, she lives on with me daily. She was unapologetically Roma. While I
will always be sad that she is gone, and feel cheated for not getting more time
with her, I know that she is still beaming with pride for me, and the life I
live today. She would smile knowing that I wear either her pearl or diamond
earrings daily, and think about her every time I put them in. I know that she would
be bragging to her friends about my job, my jeep, and my condo downtown,
because she would know how happy they make me.
As the holidays were her favorite time of year, I feel
guilty that the last four years, I have been about as excited for them as the
Grinch. It wasn’t that I didn’t look forward to seeing family, it had just
turned into a difficult time of year. The anniversary of her death, the
anniversary of the death of my marriage, and then facing the holidays ‘alone’.
This year, however, I will appreciate them that much more because
she is all around me, both in my thoughts and sight, and I finally understand
the lesson of her passing. I smile at the thought that my ex-husband should be
thankful she was not around for his 'incident' - she would have castrated him
for sure. I see her daily, because rather than putting up my “pretty tree”
(where every item of décor must match…O.C.D., I know…) I decided to decorate with
my collection of childhood ornaments, both handmade and store bought by my mom,
both grandmothers, and myself in grade school. My tree tells the story of me,
and those who love me. My likes, hobbies, and favorite things. It has been the
thing that has gotten me most into the Christmas spirit. Well, that, and a lot
of hot cider with whiskey…
Grandma Roma has inspired me to be unapologetically Kylee.
It is the most freeing thing, to embrace who you are - the good with the bad,
quirks and all, and just. be. you. I spent far too many years of my life trying
to be perfect. To live the ‘ideal’ life that was the ‘right’ life. None of it made
me happy. It wasn’t until I started making choices for myself, without the fear
of what others would think, that I finally figured out how to wake up each day
with a smile. That’s not to say every day is perfect and full of rainbows, but
something about being happy, no, being
right with yourself, enables you to navigate the ups and downs. It also
brings the right people into your life. I feel so fortunate to have the most
amazing family, group of girlfriends, and boyfriend that a girl could ask for.
I can be unapologetically myself, and they love me for it – quirks and all. I
am far from perfect, but they all love me for who I am.
Tomorrow, I will remember Grandma Roma and smile, rather
than be sad, and I am ready for Christmas this year. I am beyond grateful to be
able to spend it with my family and boyfriend. I feel so, so spoiled. While
both my mom and the man-friend have been asking me what I want for Christmas, I
have been stumped as to what to ask for. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, I
feel so grateful and content with all that I have, that I honestly can’t think
of anything to ask for. My heart is full knowing that the day will be perfect, spent
with all those that I love most, in one place. I have all the necessities I
need in life, along with many, many extras, and I appreciate it all. I know
that Grandma is beaming with pride.
