I’ve been a little quiet in my writing world lately, and a
couple friends have asked when my next blog would be up. It got me thinking
about the whole purpose of my blog, and what I set out to accomplish.
I started writing to work through my feelings – a therapy of
sorts, and found it to be the best therapy for me, aside from running. These
last nearly two years have been such a roller coaster, with some of the highest
highs and lowest lows. The extreme emotions led to great inspiration for my
much needed writing “therapy”. There was almost always a monthly occurrence
that brought great inspiration for me to sit down and let my thoughts out. I’ve
had so many choices to make, and so many chances to choose my happy. Or, at the
very least, choose how to react to the lows in order to find my happy.
I chose to buy my dream car, apply for my dream job, move
downtown, take trips with girlfriends, spend time with family, surround myself
with friends who have me in their best interest, and really start dating. Some of
these things were nerve wrecking, but exciting. Others were just validation of
what keeps me grounded, with a smile on my face.
It’s easy to lose sight of why you made certain choices when
we live in a more-more-more kind of world. You can always strive to make more
money, have more friends, and attend more events, but I have finally learned
that until you can learn to be happy with what you already have/achieved, none
of the ‘more’ will really make you happy.
Sometimes the choices you make push you a little too far, or
out of your comfort zone. You might have to say goodbye to people who are not
good friends, and you might just have to learn to say ‘NO’ to certain things/invites
when you are stretched too thin.
The key is balance, and the proof is comfort and happiness. The learning
to go with your gut – I lost touch with how to do this, and I was a ‘YES’ girl.
Even when I didn’t want to say yes, I felt obligated. Even when it made me
miserable or was something I didn’t want to do. I also avoided confrontation at
all costs – I hate to tell someone that something they did made me feel sad or
upset. I avoided it to the point of panic attacks, anxiety, and terrible
stomach aches, all because I couldn’t just stand up for myself and say how I was
feeling.
I think the writing has ultimately taught me balance, and
how to embrace and work through how I am feeling. I no longer have to say yes
to everything, but rather, I say yes to what I actually want to do. I smile
every-single-time I get to drive my jeep, and yet it’s not a luxury car. I’m at
peace living right in the heart of Portland in my little condo on the hill, and
it is far from fancy – no granite or stainless steel appliances. I am proud of the job that I was able to achieve, but that's not to say that there aren't lulls or hard days. I am so
thankful for the family and friends that I am lucky enough to have, and I have
realized that an old-fashioned, hand-written card or note means far more than any
monetary gift or object I could receive or give to them.
I have also worked through some of my commitment issues in
my dating life, and I have (gasp!) a “boyfriend”. I know, I know – it’s a
strange, not so grown-up word, but I am embracing it. I look back at some of my
previous posts on dating and realize that he is all of the things I was looking
for, and many more things that I didn’t even know I was looking for. I didn’t
have a missing piece, and I wasn’t looking for someone to make me happy – I was whole all on my own. But, he definitely adds
to my happiness. I don’t feel pressured to always be perfect around him. I can
embrace my silly, sometimes clumsy side, and just enjoy spending time with him.
We run together, cook dinner, and share a love of country music. We go to
concerts, try new dinner spots, and sometimes just stay in with a glass of
wine and endless conversation. There was and is no pressure, no forcing
anything, and no rush. My heart is happy, just sitting in a room next to him.
My life is finally sustainably happy. Today while I ran
errands, hemmed some pants for the man-friend, made myself lunch, and sewed
some table runners for a dear friend’s wedding, I thought about how content I
am just doing the things that need to be done. I smiled, because while I spent
the day all by myself, I was able to accomplish things for both me and others - I was happy to do so, and happy in doing so. I don’t know everything my future holds, and I may not have as many extreme highs/lows as I have
previously, but my heart is genuinely in a good place. There will always be
additional goals, or things I will work for, but for right now, today, I wake
up each morning happy.
