I’ve never felt super connected or driven by music the way I
have post-divorce. (Should I call that “P.D.”?) Maybe because I wasn’t in tune
with any sort of feelings other than numb. Nothing spoke to me. Nowadays, it
seems I can connect to almost every genre. I can sometimes be found (behind
closed doors, of course) dancing and singing around my condo - whether clothed,
in my unmentionables, or even in my classic birthday-suit. Something about the
childish act just makes you happy. To know that others would be laughing if
they could see you makes it that much better. To tune into a Pandora station
and just listen to whatever words are being sung is freeing – it has helped me
find many new favorites artists.
Passenger has become a top favorite artist, and I was
fortunate enough to see him play last Sunday at the Wonder Ballroom. I liked a
number of his songs before, but the first time I heard “Month of Sundays” (which he sadly didn’t play at the concert!), it
stopped me dead in my tracks, mid-workday. I was covered in goose bumps and in
shock at the words being sung into my ears – I immediately had to look up the
lyrics to confirm what I heard, and even emailed it to my Mom, who was also
shocked at the lyrics being so relatable to my life.
The song speaks of smokers lungs, which for me translates
to my Grandmother’s cancer. She was the first person I have lost in life that I
was so close to, while old enough to really know what was going on - and it was
during a time in which I was not able to embrace the feelings I had of the
loss. The most ear catching lyric states: “Rusty guns fire rusty shots, and
leopards never change their spots”. The gun portion is an obvious connection,
but the first words my lawyers said to me when I sat down with them to start
the divorce paperwork was exactly that - ‘leopards don’t change their spots’,
in reference to my now ex-husbands anger and behavior. It also speaks of
kitchens being the most uncomfortable of rooms. A very true statement for my
kitchen, as it was the first place that he yelled at me, in a fit of range, in
front of someone (his brother). His anger was no longer behind closed doors. “Why do you have to be such a BITCH?” he
screamed when I asked if he could help with dishes. So closely to my face, I
could feel the heat of his breath. Even his brother was taken back, and tried
to calm him down, reminding him that I was cooking them both a meal. The song
goes on to talk about empty words not having any meaning, but being the only
thing you’ve got. His words and false promises were what kept me around for so
long. Luckily, I realized this:
Music has also helped me handle many emotions that I have
not embraced before. I’m not ashamed at how cheesy any of them might be. They
are my feelings, and mine alone, and I finally feel like I have reached a true
sense of peace and happiness with life – especially single life. I am free to
feel, handle, and embrace my life as I choose. One major choice that has
unfolded is my unwillingness to chase, obsess or otherwise try to force
anything or anyone in my life. Even when I have been seeing a LOT of this:
Maybe I will have a date to the many weddings that fill my
upcoming weekends, or maybe I won’t. Or maybe, just maybe, I will bring my
gorgeous single lady friend and tell all the folks from high school that I am
now a lipstick lesbian. Either way – I win, because I am not ashamed or sad to
attend with or without a plus one. Although, I won’t lie, when I got the first
few invites addressed like that last year, I might not have been in the best
place. There might have been tears and ice cream involved, followed by a self-bitch-slap
and a long guilt-driven-run…
Now that my mental state is better in check, my days are
filled with more happy. I’m dating, but still prioritizing myself. I’m not
chasing, but rather, letting the men do that. I’m being honest with each I
meet, and let them know I am doing just that – dating. Some I have met once or
twice and just didn’t feel any connection, some a few more times and then had
to say goodbye because I didn’t feel they were in the same place as I, and even
one that has stuck around, or who I have allowed to stick around :), for a few weeks now.
At this point, I’m not looking to be tied down. I’m not opposed to it, should
someone really put in the effort to make me a priority, but right now my heart
remains open and free.
While driving home a song came on that I had heard before,
but today, I just connected. Josh Abbott Band “She Will Be Free”. It pretty much sums up my feelings as of now.
“Don’t be afraid if the girl decides to run, it’s half of the fun, and she will
be free…she will not be bound, by anything that tries to drag her down. Oh, and
all that girl wants to be is loved.”
I refuse to let my “heart” and crazy girl feelings chase
anyone. If someone wants to contact me, they will. If I don’t hear from them,
I’m no longer over-analyzing and letting it get me down. I will of course put
in effort back, should the person be worth it, but going about this adventure the
old-fashion way has really helped me enjoy dating. Maybe those high maintenance
girls have one thing right – when you allow the man to “chase” you, it weeds
out a LOT of losers. What they clearly don’t have right is balance…and you know
why? Because:
And damn it, you are
worth it! And those high maintenance types just can’t say the same :)
So, these days, I can be found doing a lot more activities
like this:
And of course, dating updates – we’ll start with the ego
boosts, cause who doesn’t like to feel good?
Thank you...in that father figure kind of way.
Ridiculously beautiful? That's a new one, and I like it. Not enough to respond, but you did make the blog.
And the downright desperate…
Good news! Ric has again invited me for his island BBQ. No ride or alcohol this time...maybe I have been downgraded? Luckily, he also invited a friend of mine who is on the same site (she was expressing her wish to get an invite to NoPo, and sure enough, within minutes of signing up, she received her VERY OWN INVITE). Maybe Ric needs my 'superbusyandstuff' dating handle.
I think Krizi is just down right crazy.
The funny…
I won't hold your extra relationship weight against you, but did you read anything about me? Like the age-range I was looking for, or the fact that I don't own any of those small people, and I'm looking for someone who is also without child?
Stop. Just stop it. This is seriously the photo you used?
The gross…
Why do people feel like they need to over sell themselves? That's more off-putting than the fact that you are MUCH older than what I am looking for. And hey, if I don't respond to the first 2 messages, a 3rd is most definitely a great idea.
My profile shines and stands out. And he should know since he looks at a LOT of pages, considering the wide age-range he is interested in...
And the unbelievable…
Oh yes, he asked me AGAIN to 'get up on deez butt cheeks'! So I finally decided to respond...and the 2nd 1-liner was both better and more repulsive than imagined. REALLY? I'm good, thanks. Best part - he deactivated his account shortly after...
This is almost sad. You are willing to bring a stranger to a work dinner? I'm not going to lie, the idea of playing some sort of crazy lady (thinking of 'Dinner for Schmucks' style) makes me giggle to my core. I know I wouldn't have it in me to actually play the role however...
UPDATE. PRINCE CHARMING DOES EXIST! AND, he not only has a white horse, but it's a magical UNICORN!
-Which one would you like to spank me with?
-Have you seen my impressive S&M collection?
-Clearly, I spend a lot of time alone, and all my money on toys I HOPE to use one day.
-Whips and chains excite me.
-What's your pleasure?
-I read all three '50 Shades of Grey' books. You can call me Christian Grey.
-Don't leave home without them.
Maybe he should steal the 'MomWouldBeProud' name.
So, as you can see, I don’t have to chase any men, because
so many of quality are finding me. And if you won’t listen to me and my music
references, here’s a little Wu-Tang for ya:
