Redefining Love

What is it about the sunshine that just makes you feel happy? For me, no matter how good or bad a day might be going, there is something to be said for a long drive with the windows down, the music up, and sunglasses on. It is a close second to the feeling I get while running outside when the sun is shining. It’s the feeling of going places - it is mind clearing.

This weekend we experienced beautiful weather in Portland. It was also the first weekend in as long as I can remember that I had absolutely zero obligations. No birthdays, baby showers, weddings, events, etc. Not that any of those are negatives, I enjoy seeing and supporting the people I love most, but there is something so rare about a weekend without a single calendar to-do. When I was newly single and living on my own, I had a number of these weekends, and mostly they were anxiety inducing. Something about the thought of “I have to be by myself” scared me. The self-pity-poor-me party was thrown, and there were many-a-shower-crying therapy sessions. We’re not talking a few tears rolling down the cheeks. We are talking full on alligator tears, complete with sobs and ugly, UGLY faces, while laying down in the shower until the hot water ran out. I’m sure I scared my neighbors. Pathetic (and now, looking back, hilarious), but I tell you, some of the best therapy out there.

The reason I was so sad was because I was lonely. Alone, and lonely. I would sometimes get a hold of a few friends to see if I could fill the hours, but mostly, I would sit and be sad. I have never cried so much in my entire life. One night I decided it was a good idea to watch the movie “Marley & Me”, and my streak of having never cried at a movie was completely shot. All I could think about was the love my life was lacking. Or so I thought. The feeling of being betrayed by someone who was supposed to be your partner in life was always in the back of my mind, but what was worse was how stupid I felt for deep down having always known he was capable of what he did. To say I had trust issues is an understatement – but those existed long before that fateful day. I felt embarrassed, as there were definitely warning signs, and I lost touch with how to stay in tune with the age-old “gut feeling”.

The feeling of a life lacking love is really just perspective. A favorite blog of mine, Marcandangel.com, often touches on the subject, and there are two quotes that really changed my outlook on what love is:

“Love is a choice; it’s not magic.  There is no such thing as ‘the one’.  You are not destined for any relationship other than the one you help create.  Spend enough time with another loving person, and biology eventually kicks in.  So use your head and find someone you really enjoy spending time with, who you don’t feel pressured to impress – someone who makes you feel loved, relaxed, and comfortable in your own skin.”

“When someone loves you, you know it.  When they look your way, the world looks better.  When they say your name, the world sounds better.  When they kiss your skin, the world feels better.  You know your soul is safe in their care.”

While these quotes can be found on their blog many months apart, both have stuck with me. Yesterday while driving home, the sun was shining, the windows were down, sunglasses on, and Easton Corbin came on the radio. As the chorus came on, I couldn’t help but smile at the realization of all three of these quotes combined:

Love don't have to be a bunch of drama

A bunch of knock down, drag-outs cryin' in the rain

It's alright to keep it light now mama, don't you think

We're having such a good time together, it's only just begun

My heart's never smiled so hard, baby, loving you is fun

While some people might view the first quote as a bit negative, and some might think the same about what I am about to say, my newly found definition of what love is has proven to me that I have never truly been in love. I made the choice to love someone, fully well knowing that my soul was NOT safe in his care, but I was not IN love. It was, indeed, a bunch of drama – especially behind closed doors. I always “appreciated” that about the relationship, but looking back, it was just another form of abuse. If you can’t reveal your true relationship in front of friends as well as behind closed doors, then isn’t that a lie? Relationships absolutely take a lot of work, but should naturally become a priority and not forced. They should be fun.

While love is a topic that I have given a lot of thought to over the past year and a half, I have realized my gratitude for friends and family. They have been the constant love and support in my life – I have never been without love. Realizing this just took time, and now, even when I am alone, I am not lonely. I smile and I go through the very long list of people who genuinely love me, and I them. I feel extremely grateful – and I know who the people in my life are that I could call at a moments notice for help, advice, or the occasional shoulder to cry on. On the reverse, I have also been able to eliminate or distance myself from those who have not been there for me. They have other priorities in life, just like I, and rather than being sad or angry about that, I choose to let it go.

I also have some great examples of what a loving relationship should be. My parents, many of my friends, and my siblings & their spouses. There is also a very dear friend of mine, who I will call my “work twin”, who has one of the most inspirational relationships I have seen. While I have only known her a little over a year, I can see how much her husband loves and adores her, and she him. They know their souls are safe with each other. They have fun together. Their hearts smile. They are completely comfortable with one another, and they have chosen each other.  She has quickly become my go-to friend for dating advice (THANK YOU!) and she has much wisdom to share. Mainly, she has taught me to really focus on myself and to just wait. Wait until someone comes into your life who adores you and would do anything for you. Someone who pursues you, and makes you realize the wait was worth it, because YOU are worth it. She has made me realize that my previous trust issues are not to be carried into my future relationships – new people who come into my life are not the same people as I have previously encountered. I will still put my trust in people, knowing that some might break it, there will be hurt, but that the lessons the pain teach strengthen you for the future. I will also follow my gut instinct.

I spent the majority of my weekend alone, but I was far from lonely. I purchased a number of new movies and a good bottle of wine, and I stayed in and enjoyed both on Friday night. In fact, I enjoyed the entire bottle – it was a perfect night. Saturday was spent shopping with my Mom, followed by a mind clearing 6.5 mile run through downtown (knee pain free!). I went to bed relatively early, and because I felt so good today waking up to the sunshine, I decided to get another 8 miles in (again knee pain free!). I also spent my day grocery shopping, preparing food for the week, doing laundry, and listening to some music. It was a perfect way to recharge myself before the week ahead.

While I round out my night doing some therapy writing, my heart is full. Rather than being sad about the fact that I have not experienced how it truly feels to be in love, I am excited. I look forward to what it will feel like, but I am not in a hurry. I finally feel whole and complete on my own, and it is a pretty fantastic feeling. I am not needy, reliant, or clinging to anyone else. I will wait until the right person pursues me – for them to prove to me that I am wanted in their life. Then I will choose to love, knowing I am safe with them and they have me in their best interest. I know it will take work, but when it is right I will know it is worth the effort. My heart will still be full, and it will still smile. How beautiful a thing to know that some of my best days are still to come – and yet, in the meantime, my current days are pretty great and seem to keep getting better and better.