Anxiety + Confidence

The teenage me had so much confidence in who I was, what I wanted, and my talents and abilities. The young, naïve me might not have had the most confidence in my physical being and appearance, but I knew I worked hard at my hobbies and education to be above average, and this balance made me somewhat comfortable in my own skin.

As I entered the real world, my confidence slowly dwindled at the realization that there are a lot of people in this world, some completely beautiful, some extremely smart, and some with both. The teenage me never had any issues with standing out and not being afraid to be unique. The real world me started to adjust the way I would dress and act, and attempted to blend in.

While I have always had healthy, longstanding relationships in my life, both family and good friendships, I have also experienced unhealthy relationships. While they were short lived and may have done some damage, they absolutely taught me many things. But, in the short term, they made me feel bad about myself. They gave me anxiety, made me unsure of who I was, and dwindled my confidence to merely nothing. That is mostly my fault, however, because I let it.

I have found that I have a passion for human beings – and I had the perception that all people are basically good. I had a desire to learn their story. A desire to help as many people as I could, in any way I was able. To open up my heart and connect with people, as relationships are what make life meaningful. I have always been an open book.

I have also found that all people are not basically good. While there are many great people in this world, there are also some rotten apples. When meeting someone who didn’t seem good at first, I had the desire to help them realize that there was good buried somewhere deep down inside of them. What I realize now is there are absolutely some relationships that should be avoided. When morals and outlooks don’t align, you can remain civil and be courteous towards people, but time and energy should not be invested in them.

My desire to help bring the good out in people ended up being the thing that crushed me. I set myself up for disappointment. These people didn’t have me in their best interest, so I should have ignored their opinions. Instead, I let them push me down until I was self conscious in my appearance, body, and abilities. My anxiety reached an all-time high, and I became extremely uncomfortable in many situations – especially praise for the positive. I couldn’t accept a compliment to save my life, I became red faced over anything and everything, and I did not want any attention, positive or negative.

After learning to eliminate negative relationships, I also started to learn how to make choices for myself. The big life choices I have made this past year have all led me to be more confident. I love where I live, the car I drive, and the dream job that I start tomorrow. They make me happy, and I realize now that I don’t care if anyone else likes these choices, because I do. Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. They do not matter – my opinion of me does.

I can still be an open book, but I am more selective of who I let in and choose to spend time with. I am never going to be THE prettiest, THE smartest, THE skinniest, THE whatever. But I am me, and I am finally happy with who I am. I have every reason to be confident, and not let others break me down.

A friend recently gave me a good eye opener (and laugh) when discussing dating. After expressing my frustration in ‘the game’ and how much I disliked it, he exclaimed:

“You have nothing to worry about. You are pretty and you are awesome. Think of how hard dating would be if you weren’t”.

After laughing, and smiling at the confidence boost, I explained to him that my past relationships made me anything but confident in my looks, and that that was not what it was about or should be based on.  Further discussion had him saying things like “You should know that you are pretty”, and that I have to be in the “top 10 percent of beautiful people”. As I continued to giggle, I realized that I was again listening to the opinion of others. Then it all clicked.

I do have every reason to be confident, because I like who I am, and who I am working to become. While I may not agree with his statements, I realize that everyone has, and is entitled to their opinion. I believe that confidence, (and a great smile) are two of the most attractive things a person can wear. One day someone will come along who adores me, thinks I am THE top percent, and makes me a priority. Until then, I will adore me, continue to work on my confidence, and make myself a priority.