Tales of Dating: A 27-year-old divorcée's inspiration & stories

I am constantly inspired by the smallest of things. Maybe it's the internal optimist in me that is finally shining through - a simple saying on pinterest, advice from the mouth of a friend, or a relatable blog post. Lately, I feel as though I am in a sense of inspiration overload. I look back at the past year and a half of my life and how much has changed, and then I reflect on the majority of my adult life. While recalling it out loud to my Mom a few weeks back, I have realized my life has been change overload.

Age:  Big Life Event:

21    Graduated college – first real job designing apparel

22    Built my first home

23    Engaged, and lost my Grandma

24    Married

25    Divorced

26    Scored my dream job

27    Please be good to me...

All of these big life happenings were major changes. All for the ‘better’, or so I thought, at each milepost. Now, I realize maybe I grew up too quickly. I was on the fast track to achieve my goals, and while I have always been an over-analyzer, maybe I didn’t know how to plan, or what to expect. I had everything I ever wanted, and nothing that I needed. I clung to friendships and relationships as the constant through all of this change – which in the end only ended up hurting me.

Insert first point of inspiration:

While I have been pretty open about my failed marriage, I have not always been open about my turbulent relationship leading up to the poor choice of marriage. I made habit of keeping hush-hush about some of the details – I thought I was protecting him because he ‘wasn’t a bad guy’ when really, I was hiding my embarrassment at knowing all along that it was unacceptable. One major detail – my engagement was far from any sort of fairytale.

One morning I woke up to his alarm on his phone. He was already in the shower, so I rolled over and swiped the off button. His phone was lit up like a Christmas tree – my first instinct was a friend or family member was trying to get a hold of him for an emergency. When the nude photo of Sara popped up instead, my stomach was immediately in my throat. I read through a number of the messages they had exchanged just the night before – he told her he couldn’t call her to chat because he was at a basketball game. More like he was in his man-cave watching a basketball game while his girlfriend of 4 years, whom he built a house with, was in the other room. I flung the shower door open and the only word vomit to escape my lips was “Who the f*ck is Sara?”.

He instantly fell to his knees and began sobbing. Turns out she lived in California and they had met in an online chat room years prior. A month and a half earlier I had gone to the beach for the weekend with a girlfriend, and as he was bored, he decided to log into an old aim account and they struck up conversation again. The same weekend he went to dinner with my family and asked my father for my hand in marriage. After a long day of no eating and achieving nothing but staring at my computer screen at work in complete shock, I drove home to go to bed. He came home with the world’s ugliest bouquet of clown colored daisies, profusely apologizing, stating that he knew it was wrong, it was just words and pictures, and he was going to tell her to stop contacting him - ultimately revealing that he had purchased a ring 3 months prior.

The ring he insisted I go pick out with him. The same diamond we looked at together that I ultimately said was ‘perfect’. It had been sitting in our house, unbeknownst to me, and here he was sending nudie photos to some girl he had never even met. Again, it was another thing that I found it somewhere in my heart to forgive at the time. A month or so later, he proposed, and clearly the surprise and excitement was less than desirable.

Insert inspiration number two:

My gut told me it was all a bad idea, but my heart and head analyzed and over-analyzed all logic. This was what I wanted, right? I hadn’t pushed the issue of marriage, but I knew that it was in the long-term plan. He was only human – it wasn’t physical/in person. Who am I kidding? What the f*ck was I thinking? Looking back I feel so stupid and ashamed for what I allowed. I again felt this way when he came home 4 months after we were married and claimed he ‘never wanted this’ and he looked me straight in the eyes and said he wanted a divorce. He wouldn’t talk to me, so after a couple weeks, I met with lawyers, moved all my belongings out of the house one day while he was at work, and served him, for the first time with divorce paperwork. Again, the apologies and ‘I didn’t mean it’ followed. As I have written about in previous posts, we tried counseling, I ended up moving back in a month or so later, and we again tried to work things out for another 8 months until that fateful night that ended it once and for all.

Insert inspiration numero tres:

So now I enter this world of dating, as a 27-year-old divorcée. Not the best title, but it’s a fact. For a large portion of 2012, I was dating a really great guy. So great, that I again accepted being treated for less than what I deserved. He was not at a point in life to make someone a priority, and as I was still confused as to what I wanted, we just continued to see one another for a while without having any relationship discussions. After this went on for many, many months, I finally found my voice. I had extreme anxiety and unease over the entire situation, so I finally had to step out and confront it. The conversation was had, and ultimately, we parted ways. I cried my eyes out and didn’t eat for days – I was most sad to feel like I was loosing what had become such a good friend. The relationship taught me an extreme amount about myself and about what I want in a partner, so I am thankful for the time that I had with him.

I think I am often easily disappointed because I have high expectations. I know how important good people are in life, and what I would be willing to sacrifice for them, so when others do not have the same mentality, it really gets me down. I am finding, however, that I have to be a little more light-hearted. I began dating another really great guy a couple of months ago. In the beginning he was super great about calling often, texting, and making plans. He made me feel important, and a few weeks in, he even gave me the most thoughtful gift I have ever received from a man (an owl that he wanted me to have after he heard the story behind my collection). A couple of weeks ago, I started feeling that same anxiety and unease, so I decided to address it right away – ultimately, he also was not able to make me a priority, so we decided to just call it friends.

I am proud of myself for following my gut instinct and finding my voice. I hate confrontation, and I want to think that things should just work and conversations don’t need to be had – but the truth is, all relationships take work, and people cannot read your mind. You have to speak up and have the hard, unwanted conversations. I am learning to appreciate what is, rather than just be disappointed in my plan and expectations not being met.

Insert inspiration #4:

Ring Finger Tan Line

When my mom first sent me the link to this website, I was so taken back by the fact that she posted not only wedding photos of herself, but of her ex-husband. Then, I realized how brave she is – and circled back to my first point of inspiration above. One of my favorite quotes/dating advice from one of her blogs:

“On the bright side, think about this: someone else has already asked this woman to be his wife. People generally don’t propose to shitty girlfriends. Whoever this man was saw all the qualities of a great wife, mother, and lover in her. He may not be the one to benefit from these anymore, but why shouldn’t you? Take a chance and be patient, because she may be worth it.”

While I keep venturing out in this world of dating, I will continue to keep my chin up knowing a man proposed to me once, and I completely agree with her – men don’t propose to shitty girlfriends. I am successful for myself, confident, happy with who I am, and have a lot to offer. When I find someone who wants me in their life and is able to prove that to me, I will appreciate it that much more. He’ll have to make me feel a little something like this: Luke Bryan - Crash my party Who doesn’t need a cheesy country music reference?

I will also be brave and provide you with the link to my beautifully captured wedding photos: Bryan Rupp Photography - Kylee & Ryan

And, to end on a happy note, I will share some of my favorite dating scenarios – I guess you’ll have to be brave and ask me to elaborate if you want more details:

1. The Face Licker – I think it was an attempt at a kiss, but since it was clearly unwanted on my end, I exited with a completely wet cheek. Who goes in tongue first? If that wasn’t bad enough, he continued to call/text….and often…

2.  The Group Bachelor Date – my asking who was going to get the rose at the end of an awkward 4:1 girl:guy ratio date definitely did not get me to the next round.

3. Age DOES Matter – Being asked out by men entirely too young (can you drive yet?) and too old for me.

4. On The Offense – Accusing the men hanging out near slices of cake at a bar as being chubby chasers. Men love to be slightly offended – and it got 3 of my girlfriends phone numbers that night.

5. The Straight Up Crazy – the guy who typed his number into my phone and called himself. When he started to persistently text me to invite me on a lunch date (yes, lunch…always mentioning lunch) I finally text him back saying he had the wrong number. When he mentioned the bar we met in, I lied and said I had not been there that weekend. He then listed 2-3 other bars he had been at, and made it pretty clear that he had typed his number into a LOT of phones…luckily I confused him and he ended up apologizing for having the wrong number. Outsmarting at its finest.

6. The Married Man – or engaged. Either way, I’m not interested in being the woman to help you decide if you want to be married. You’re gross. And, unfortunately, there have been at least 3 of these.

Maybe next time I encounter the strange, awkward and downright crazy man, I will just lead with "Do you want to look at my wedding photos?" and attempt to combat crazy with pretend crazy. But, then again, with my luck, I'll probably get another marriage proposal out of it and have to figure out how to politely turn him down. Either way, I am still inspired to enjoy this roller coaster they call dating, because in the end, it will only take finding one good one.