Sustainably Happy

I’ve been a little quiet in my writing world lately, and a couple friends have asked when my next blog would be up. It got me thinking about the whole purpose of my blog, and what I set out to accomplish.

I started writing to work through my feelings – a therapy of sorts, and found it to be the best therapy for me, aside from running. These last nearly two years have been such a roller coaster, with some of the highest highs and lowest lows. The extreme emotions led to great inspiration for my much needed writing “therapy”. There was almost always a monthly occurrence that brought great inspiration for me to sit down and let my thoughts out. I’ve had so many choices to make, and so many chances to choose my happy. Or, at the very least, choose how to react to the lows in order to find my happy.

I chose to buy my dream car, apply for my dream job, move downtown, take trips with girlfriends, spend time with family, surround myself with friends who have me in their best interest, and really start dating. Some of these things were nerve wrecking, but exciting. Others were just validation of what keeps me grounded, with a smile on my face.

It’s easy to lose sight of why you made certain choices when we live in a more-more-more kind of world. You can always strive to make more money, have more friends, and attend more events, but I have finally learned that until you can learn to be happy with what you already have/achieved, none of the ‘more’ will really make you happy.

Sometimes the choices you make push you a little too far, or out of your comfort zone. You might have to say goodbye to people who are not good friends, and you might just have to learn to say ‘NO’ to certain things/invites when you are stretched too thin.  The key is balance, and the proof is comfort and happiness. The learning to go with your gut – I lost touch with how to do this, and I was a ‘YES’ girl. Even when I didn’t want to say yes, I felt obligated. Even when it made me miserable or was something I didn’t want to do. I also avoided confrontation at all costs – I hate to tell someone that something they did made me feel sad or upset. I avoided it to the point of panic attacks, anxiety, and terrible stomach aches, all because I couldn’t just stand up for myself and say how I was feeling.

I think the writing has ultimately taught me balance, and how to embrace and work through how I am feeling. I no longer have to say yes to everything, but rather, I say yes to what I actually want to do. I smile every-single-time I get to drive my jeep, and yet it’s not a luxury car. I’m at peace living right in the heart of Portland in my little condo on the hill, and it is far from fancy – no granite or stainless steel appliances. I am proud of the job that I was able to achieve, but that's not to say that there aren't lulls or hard days. I am so thankful for the family and friends that I am lucky enough to have, and I have realized that an old-fashioned, hand-written card or note means far more than any monetary gift or object I could receive or give to them.

I have also worked through some of my commitment issues in my dating life, and I have (gasp!) a “boyfriend”. I know, I know – it’s a strange, not so grown-up word, but I am embracing it. I look back at some of my previous posts on dating and realize that he is all of the things I was looking for, and many more things that I didn’t even know I was looking for. I didn’t have a missing piece, and I wasn’t looking for someone to make me happy – I was whole all on my own. But, he definitely adds to my happiness. I don’t feel pressured to always be perfect around him. I can embrace my silly, sometimes clumsy side, and just enjoy spending time with him. We run together, cook dinner, and share a love of country music. We go to concerts, try new dinner spots, and sometimes just stay in with a glass of wine and endless conversation. There was and is no pressure, no forcing anything, and no rush. My heart is happy, just sitting in a room next to him.

My life is finally sustainably happy. Today while I ran errands, hemmed some pants for the man-friend, made myself lunch, and sewed some table runners for a dear friend’s wedding, I thought about how content I am just doing the things that need to be done. I smiled, because while I spent the day all by myself, I was able to accomplish things for both me and others - I was happy to do so, and happy in doing so. I don’t know everything my future holds, and I may not have as many extreme highs/lows as I have previously, but my heart is genuinely in a good place. There will always be additional goals, or things I will work for, but for right now, today, I wake up each morning happy.