Guilty, but content.

“Let go of your obsession with yesterday’s struggles and tomorrow’s to-do list, and simply enjoy the beauty of what’s right here, right now.”  –Marcandangel.com

Guilty. I am so, so guilty. While we all have big things happen and major changes take place in our lives, each situation is slightly different. Rather than dwell angrily on mine, I have found that I use my past sadness as fuel for my future. It humbles me and reminds me to make choices that make me happy – a reminder to not let things become the way that they were.

I am a chatter - I love to chat and share my experiences and thoughts. I believe that because there is so much miscommunication and lack of understanding in this world, the way to attempt to remedy that and build compassion and understanding is through chatting and communication. What better way to understand someone, than to listen to their story? What better way to have someone open their heart to you, than to share your story? If you are truly listening, and truly sharing with an open heart and mind, I find it impossible not to have compassion for people, whether you agree with their choices and opinions, or not. We are all on our own journey, and there is no one right direction.

While on my journey to happiness, I have found that I have been an information over-sharer. I realize now that I was doing this as a coping mechanism for my embarrassment. I over explained my story to anyone who asked as a way to ‘make them understand’ my ‘failure’. To justify it. What I have found, however, is I was justifying it for myself. My chatting + information over-sharing = more than most people care or need to know. But, looking back, the people who truly love and support me, just listened, as they knew that is what I needed to find healing. Eventually I came to the realization that I had nothing to be embarrassed about, and in fact, I have every reason to love myself. My chatting turned out to be exactly what healed.

The great thing about being guilty is that so long as you can admit it yourself first, then you have stepped forward, proclaimed ‘I AM HUMAN’ and can work towards correcting the fault. Guilt is wonderful for just that – those who listen to their inner guilt discover beautiful moments of self-discovery. They realize how they are acting is who they are perceived to be, and the guilt points them in the direction of who they want to be. Those who can acknowledge it and fix it, I believe, have figured out the key to life.

So here is my proclamation:

I am guilty of obsessing over my “yesterday’s struggles”, and I am always most certainly guilty of obsessing over my always long to-do list. –Kylee 12/6/12

My focus now is to live more ‘in the moment’. While I may be guilty of obsessing over yesterday’s struggles, I realize that chatting about it has become habit, and no longer brings the healing it once did. I have found closure, I have moved on, and I am ready to start new habits. To not always have to think about the past and compare it to the present. While I appreciate the past for what it has taught me today, I want to be better focused on the “right now” and having a positive outlook on “what if’s” for the future. That goal is twofold, in that I also don’t want to focus and stress over the future. I want to be driven and motivated to reach goals, but it is absolutely acceptable to be content in not knowing what the future holds. With a positive attitude and knowing that “everything will be alright”, good things are bound to happen.

So tonight, I sit at my beautiful new computer desk, helping my mom finish our yearly Christmas letter, appreciating the fact that I have my own little corner in this world to work on creative graphic projects. A sweet photo of my hugging nieces to my left, a framed version of a favorite saying to my right, and across the living room, a crooked tree that I put up in an attempt to get into the Christmas spirit. I am smiling at the twinkling lights, but mostly at its slight slant. It is the imperfection of this slant (that normally my O.C.D. would need to correct right away) that reminds me that this world will never be perfect, and that is okay.

In my freshly cleaned condo, sitting at my desk working on a creative project, a movie playing, and the sparkly tree lights glowing, I am completely content – and happy, and enjoying this very moment.