So, there’s this boy…he’s kind, handsome, and sarcastic
enough to keep up with me. He keeps me on my toes. He’ll go for a run with me,
cook me dinner, opens doors, and picks up the check. He is honest, trustworthy,
and treats me the way a man should when looking to date a girl. He’s quickly
become a friend, and someone I have a great deal of fun with. He helps me take
my top off (of my jeep, what were YOU thinking?). He’s always doing that – offering
to help me in one way or another, and not in the “I’m a helpless girl” kind of
way, but simply because he just enjoys being able to help me. He doesn’t have
to tell me I am beautiful, because he makes me feel beautiful. (Ok, ok, I’d be
lying if I said he doesn’t say it, and it never hurts to hear!) Oh, and on top
of all of that, he also has, quite possibly, one of the coolest jobs out there:
Did I mention he’s a Fighter Pilot? Yes, he does wear the
green jumpsuit. And BONUS: yes, I have seen him in said suit…when he helped me
take my top off…of my jeep! (Get your mind out of the gutter.) He is confident
and exercises extreme patience with me, and my newly found love of my
non-committal single life.
I was obviously ready to date and meet people, but I am
realizing that deep down, I don’t think I expected to find someone who just
might be worth my time. The attention and humorous messages received from my
online dating site have provided exceptional entertainment, and while I only
actually met a handful of men from the site, I chatted with many. My phone was
sometimes pinging hourly or more at the messages and chats. Some worth chatting
with, and others who were terrible communicators, until eventually, I found
myself responding less and less. Turning down date offers. I was growing more
and more picky. I was learning to value myself, and really be selective about
what it was I was looking for. Eventually I found myself spending more and more
time with the Fighter Pilot, and ignoring a multitude of messages as my phone
sat to the side and beeped.
While I made it very clear that I was ‘dating’, there was
still guilt that goes along with even chatting with others. I am not someone
who struggles with monogamy, but with my newly found love of my freedom and
single life, I’ll be the first to admit I struggle with commitment. I realized
it wasn’t the fear of ‘finding something better’ but rather, my own concerns
with making the right choice. How do you know when something is right? How do
you know it is what you want? How do you know you won’t get your heart broken?
The answer is, you don’t. And that is exactly the point.
It’s exciting, thrilling, and nerve wrecking. There will be people who come
into your life who will, indeed, hurt you – intentionally and unintentionally.
They will break your heart and treat you unkind. You will cry, and you will also be
okay. You will smile again and re-learn how to be happy. All of this, and it
will still scare the shit out of you. I know it does me.
But with all that, comes the choice. The choice to take a
chance. Because, while you might get hurt, you might also find someone who
makes you extremely happy.
I found I started naturally distancing myself from other
suitors, without even realizing it. Responding to far fewer messages, logging
in less frequently, ignoring more and more text messages. I wasn’t even aware
that I was becoming less and less interested in others, because the Fighter
Pilot respected my space and freedom. In turn, his trust ended up pulling me
closer – it’s such an attractive quality. He is a great communicator, and always
checked in every few days. I was never on edge wondering if he would contact
me, because he always did. Not in a predictable way, but rather, a confident
way. He wanted to contact me, so he did. He doesn’t play games. While we have
naturally grown into communicating on a daily basis, I still get excited when I
see his name pop up on my phone. I genuinely want to know what he has to say,
or what he will be teasing me about next.
As he was camping last week without cell service, all
communication was halted. It gave me a chance to appreciate him…and miss him.
And, while 3 different men contacted me and asked to take me out, I turned every single
offer down, because I genuinely didn’t care to go. I attended a comedy show
Friday night with some girlfriends (and one new man-friend of a very dear
friend on mine…he was a trooper!) and a good friend of mine gave me the best
advice I have been given in a long time.
When I explained to her how I was feeling, and that I was
thinking about shutting down the dating site, she gave me the simplest, most
wise advice: when making a decision, think of what choice would lead to the
biggest regret. While I most certainly make decisions based on being able to
sleep at night, the idea of ‘what would you regret more’ helped to simplify my
choice and ease my non-committal mind. I could continue to chat with others, which might lead to him losing
interest or getting hurt, or, I could focus on him and see where it might lead.
He really is a great guy, and the answer was simple. I would regret not giving
him a fair shot. I can’t see any regret in cutting off communication with
others.
So, that night, I deactivated my dating account, and decided
that, while it scares the shit out of me, the Fighter Pilot is going to get a
fair shot. My full attention. Well, almost, because I still enjoy my
girlfriend-time and my me-time. But, since he is respectful of my freedom, I
feel it’s a win-win. (I should also add, even he said I should go out with the man on the unicorn...) He has also earned my full, upfront honesty. I feel
comfortable around him in a way that I haven’t felt before. I can tell him when
things scare me, and he has a way of listening, respecting, and usually turning
it around into some sort of silly joke that reminds me that it’s ok to feel
however I feel. He doesn’t run. He keeps things simple. I might not feel like I
am ready to say I am “in a relationship” or rush to make it “facebook official”
(as the kids say these days…), and let’s be honest, he’s probably going to have
to go about it the old fashioned way and ask me to “go steady”, but I am happy
to say I am seeing someone that I am interested in.
Maybe he’ll drop me like a bad habit next week. Maybe after
a month we won’t work out. Maybe in a year I’ll be heartbroken and starting
over. I might be nervous to hit “post new blog” this time, and I am doing so
fully aware that it leaves me completely vulnerable. But, writing my thoughts
and feelings has shaped me into the person I am today. It keeps me honest with others
and myself. While I have no clue what the next blog might read like, I know
that it is worth the risk. Maybe, just maybe, he’s something special. You just
never know unless you give it a fair chance and let things happen as they may.
