Heavy emotions have been weighing on me lately. Part of it
may have been getting home from my 15-day work trip to Asia, and having to
settle back into the reality of everyday life. Sometimes the calm after exciting
days can trigger this for me. There have also been a number of things that have
triggered specific memories – one in particular today.
As I have still been jet lagged and sick, I decided to book
myself a massage appointment after work today. Partly because I wanted to
relax, but mostly because I knew it would force me to stay awake longer than my
6pm bedtime I’ve been accidently sticking to this week. I was super relaxed, mind relatively clear, and about halfway through the massage the woman asked me
to flip onto my back. I lay there with my eyes closed, and suddenly the music
changed. In a matter of seconds, I knew the song. It was Canon in D, and it
took me to a very specific moment in time over two and a half years ago.
The live violins being played by my cousins changed pace -
the song was Canon in D. My Dad stepped out of the carriage first, helping me
out after. The sun was shining right into my eyes, but I could still see the
faces of 250 people, all turned to capture the first peek at me. As we left the
gravel and stepped into the grass, I remember the excitement that was building
with each continuing step. My nerves finally kicked in - I had been completely
calm all morning up until this moment. My heel sunk into the grass and I had to
tell my Dad to slow so I could slip my foot back into my shoe. “It’s ok, no
rush” he replied. As we stepped under the arch of flowers and out into the
open, we were completely visible. Five hundred eyeballs, all looking
simultaneously, just at me. I remember having to bow my head slightly, because
I was humbled and grateful to be surrounded by so many people who loved me and kept
thinking ‘today is the happiest day of my life’.
It is strange how the smallest of thing can trigger so many
detailed memories of a specific moment. A father is only supposed to give his
daughter away once, and now that has been taken from me. As I walked towards
him that day, I also remember being the happiest I had ever been, treating the
day as a fresh slate. “Knowing” that we went through pre-marital counseling,
divorce was not an option, and we would fight to keep the relationship.
Although it had its turmoil, I truly had this knowing mindset that I would do
whatever it took to make this work for a lifetime. I opened my heart that day
to someone who did not deserve it – and as I stated before, I know now that it
was not the feeing of being “in" love. A while back, I think the Canon in D trigger
would have brought tears. But today, it was just more thought provoking.
That day, August 21, 2010, when I thought I was the happiest
I have ever been, has been trumped, many times over since. October 17, 2012
marked one year from having a gun pulled in my own home – and it was the day
that I, and I alone, signed the paperwork on my new jeep, beaming with
happiness and pride. January 8, 2013 I accepted my dream job as a Senior
Developer for outerwear. February 8, 2013 was my official “One Year as a Smith
& Single” and that weekend my dear friend and I both celebrated our first
year of independence. February 15, 2013 I entered my 27th year, which
has by far been the year I have approached with the most hope and best mindset
for the future. April 11, 2013 I was on a plane to Palm Springs for what would
turn out to be the best girls weekend of my life. May 31, 2013 I will be on a
plane to Vegas, hopefully to top the April 11th girls weekend…
Sometimes you just have to remind yourself of the happy. While
I may be having a few rough days, my joyful days far outweigh the sad. I may be
discouraged in dating and meeting new people, but I remind myself that my life
alone is far happier than my married life ever was. The companionship is
definitely missed, but not the companion. While I have said that I want to be
married and have a family one-day, I am approaching the situation a little
differently now. I am realizing that I am not in control – maybe marriage will
be in the cards for me again, or maybe it won’t. You cannot plan these things,
and you absolutely cannot force them. What you can do is learn to be happy with
yourself, and with what you’ve got. You can keep busy and keep your heart open
to the opportunities that find their way into your life. Even when sad memories
from the past are triggered unexpectedly, you can focus on everything that you
do have, rather than dwell on what you think your life might be lacking.
My very wise Mama sent me a quote, almost a year ago now,
that has stuck with me nearly every day since:
Number one will
always be my family – words cannot express how incredibly lucky I am.
Every night I make habit to reflect on what is holding me
together. What I am thankful for. I run through a long list of things that I am
so grateful to have in my life – family, friendships, employment, living in the
city, my jeep…I remind myself to never say ‘things could not be worse’ because
they always can, just like they can always be better.
